Pretend I Didn't Tear Your World Apart
by Celestial-Vapidity
Summary: After getting back from MAX, Nicky struggles with her reality. Cross-published on Archive of Our Own. Warnings before each chapter
1. A Punch to the Gut

**Pretend I Didn't Tear Your World Apart**

 **Author's Note:** This idea has been floating around in my head for a while. I just felt like writing Nichorello angst. The title is taken from So Nice So Smart by Kimya Dawson. Cross-posted on Archive of Our Own. I'm planning on writing at least 2 more chapters. Possibly more. Let me know what you think! I hope you enjoy! Soundtrack: playlist?list=PLtJcZcvt9JqnqjE-CbPnUETegWxJYRxjO

 **WARNING:** This fic contains drug abuse, drug addiction, and suicidal thoughts.

* * *

When Lorna embraces Nicky for the first time since MAX, Nicky feels as if, for a moment, that her relapse won't matter. That Lorna (and of course, Red) can make it better. She should have known better. It isn't until later that night that Red pulls her aside.

"Nicky, there's something you should know," Red seems nervous, and it's so unlike her, that for a moment, Nicky panics. _She's dying. She's sick. She knows what you did._

"What's up, Ma?" Nicky wishes she would never have asked.

"She's married."

It doesn't quite register at first. It takes a second. But with a wave of nausea, her brain processes what her mother just said. _Married. Lorna is married. Lorna Morello (or whatever her surname is now) is fucking married._

Nicky runs and spills her guts into a garbage can. She can't tell if it's the news, the drugs, or some fucked up combination. All she knows is that this is wrong. All of this is wrong. She's shaking and sweating and aching, as if she's in withdrawal already. But she knows it's too soon for that.

After that night spent puking and sobbing in Red's arms (so much like her first night here), she keeps her feelings inside. Well, mostly. One day, she tries to proposition Lorna in the bathroom. Lorna turns her down, because of course she does. She says she has to stay faithful.

Nicky nearly laughs. If she were really faithful, she would have waited. Her last words as they dragged Nicky away were 'I love you too'. It feels like a punch to the gut, and Nicky almost vomits again. Perfect, Catholic, straight girl Lorna. More like mentally ill, bi girl Lorna. But Nicky's already tried to get her to accept who she is. She's sick of it now.

Nicky begins fucking any and every willing girl in the prison. Part of it is in return for precious baggies of white powder. Part of it is an attempt to forget the way Lorna would look up from between her legs after eating her out, and grin, with her lipstick smudged and her eyes bright. Nicky sobs out Lorna's name every time. She knows that sometimes Lorna can hear from the next bathroom stall.

Nicky honestly doesn't really care about much anymore. She shoots up, sleeps, skips meals, fucks girls, avoids everyone, and contemplates purposefully OD'ing. She knows that Red and Alex (at least, if not others as well), know something's wrong with her. She knows there will be an eventual implosion, and things will happen. But she's content to waste her life for now. After all, it's the only thing she's good at.


	2. Not Her Problem

**Author's Note:** This chapter will be from Lorna's POV. Soundtrack: playlist?list=PLtJcZcvt9JqnqjE-CbPnUETegWxJYRxjO

 **WARNING:** This chapter contains internalized ableism and biphobia.

* * *

Lorna knows what's happening with herself. She has a hunch about what's happening to Nicky. But she ignores the pain deep in her chest and belly whenever she walks by Nicky's cube, and sees her ex-lover lying in bed.

She knows that Nicky's on drugs again. But if that's how she reacts, it's her own damn fault. Not Lorna's. After all, it's not like Nicky ever took the blame for anything that happened to herself. Or that's what Lorna tells herself.

After all, she has Vince! And he loves her, and is going to love her forever. And she's going to leave prison and start her life with him. It will be like none of this ever happened. Vince never has to know anything about her or her past. He won't know about her first kiss being a girl. He won't know about the little pills she gets from a psychiatrist to keep her mind from making things up and confusing her. _Why can't her mind do that on its own?! Why does_ she _have to be crazy?!_

One day, she's brushing her teeth in the bathroom. And she hears a choked sob. But not just any choked sob. It's a pitiful moan-sob hybrid. Of her name.

" _Lorna!"_ The voice cries out.

Lorna knows that voice. But she ignores it, and finishes brushing. She also ignores the sobbing, and the bitch with a sticky face who leaves the stall, licking her lips.

She notices things. Nicky doesn't return to her usual self in a week. Not like she always does when something happens. After three weeks of Red forcing food and water down Nicky's throat, despite her sobbing protests, Alex corners her in the library.

"What the fuck, Morello?!" Alex is furious, voice-shaking, and eyes burning with rage and unshed tears.

"What?" Maybe if she plays dumb, it will absolve her guilt.

"You fucking know what! She's dying, you bitch! She's not eating and she's using again! All because of you!" Alex is nearly screaming.

Lorna shakes. She didn't think it was that bad. She knows that Alex and Nicky are best friends, and occasion friends-with-benefits.

"IT'S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT!" It takes Lorna a moment to realize it's her screaming a Alex. "SHE LEFT ME! I THOUGHT SHE WAS GONE FOREVER! SHE CARES MORE ABOUT GETTING DOPED UP THAN SHE DOES ABOUT LOVING ME!"

"THAT'S A LIE AND YOU KNOW IT! THE LAST THING YOU FUCKING TOLD HER WAS THAT YOU LOVED HER! AND YOU KNOW SHE WAS FRAMED! YOU FUCKING GAVE UP A WOMAN WHO'S LOVED YOU FOR YEARS, FOR A MAN YOU'VE KNOWN FOR TWO MONTHS!" Alex is in her face. Lorna can feel her hot breath, and little flecks of spit. Lorna runs.

Lorna runs as fast as she can. She can hear Alex screaming at her still and Piper trying to calm her down and hold her back from giving chase. She only stops when she gets to the greenhouse.

She slumps against the wall, panting. Alex's words are still ringing in her ears, and bouncing around in her skull. She clutches her head, whimpering. She feels hot liquid dripping on her hands. She's sobbing.

She doesn't go back into her cube until it's count time. As she walks by Nicky's cube, she sees Red, Alex, and Piper sitting and chatting with her. Well, attempting to chat. Nicky's mostly just giving grunts, head shakes, or one-word responses.

She accidentally catches Alex's eye. She sees the bright green darken to anger-filled emerald. She shrinks in on herself a little. She glances at Red.

Red's look hurts more. It's a look of complete devastation. A look of begging. Lorna quickly goes to her bed.

She tosses and turns that night. She isn't supposed to love a woman. She _doesn't_ love a woman. It's not something she can do. Her throat tightens at the thought of what people would say, what her parents would do.

Lorna has her whole future to think about. Being perfect. A house with a white picket fence, a good dog, a few kids. And someone to share it with.

 _Well, she can have all that with a wom-STOP._ Lorna stares at the ceiling. She can hear quiet sobs from the cube across from her. She knows who they belong to. But it's not like it should matter. After all, it's not her problem.


	3. Visitation

**Author's Note:** This is where the plot actually gets moving. Also, detka means baby in Russian, according to Google translate. And thanks to hollyhalebnichorelloregelolove for the plot suggestion! Soundtrack: playlist?list=PLtJcZcvt9JqnqjE-CbPnUETegWxJYRxjO

 **WARNING** : This chapter contains non-graphic mentions of sex between a prisoner and guard.

* * *

Nicky stares at the ceiling, contemplating. She knows it's a bad idea. She doesn't care. With a few favors under her metaphorical belt, and sucking off more COs than she was originally planning, she has the information she needs.

She sits at the visitation table, debating sprinting out. This will hurt Lorna badly. She knows this. She still sits. Whether this is more for Lorna to have a healthy relationship, or for herself to get revenge, she doesn't know.

A short man with dark hair and stubble walks into the room, scanning it for his wife. Nicky waves him over. He confusedly goes to her table.

"You Vince?"

"Yeah. Why? Is Lorna ok?" He questions, unsure what's going on.

"As ok as she always is. I'm Nicky. Lorna's ex. We need to talk," Nicky states with a half-smirk at his shocked expression.

Nicky tells him everything. All of Lorna's secrets that she can in the hour they have. The fact that she's bi and in denial about it. That she has psychosis. Even little ones, such as her gallbladder surgery. She tells him that Lorna's first kiss was with a girl in Bible study. She tells him that Lorna can put away more food in one session than anyone Nicky's ever seen, including Boo.

She talks about Christopher, and what really happened. About Lorna stealing the van. She talks about Lorna staying closeted and not getting help for her mental health sooner, because of her parents. That Lorna has some weird-ish sexual kinks, but nothing horrible. And that her favorite animal is a pygmy rabbit (which Nicky didn't believe were real until Lorna taught her about them).

She sits back when she finishes, staring at the man across from her. He's baffled. About all of it.

He just stares at her. But it's ok, since the COs are saying that visitation is over. Nicky gets up and walks out, not bothering to check if Vince is doing the same.

She feels something within her. A little seed of negativity toward Lorna. Not just sadness and betrayal, but cruelty. She swallows, and shakes it off. As upset as she is, she won't hurt Lorna. She can't. She goes to the greenhouse, finding Red in the garden.

"Mommy," Nicky whimpers, tears leaving her eyes.

Red turns, to see her daughter crying for her. She wraps her arms around the shaking girl. "Oh, detka, what's happened?"

"I d-did something b-bad…"

Nicky stammers out what happened. She feels Red's grip on her tighten. Feels Red's words of reassurance and comfort. She sobs into Red for several minutes, her mother's hold never faltering.

Eventually time for count begins to approach. Nicky breaks the embrace, murmuring an excuse about dropping off her laundry before count. She doesn't look at what she knows must be Red's knowing and heartbroken face. She knows that Red's intimidated the inmate dealers into not selling to her, but she can't do anything about the guards.

Nicky jogs back to her cube, not long after sucking some CO's dick. She's disgusted with that and herself. She doesn't have a problem with having sex with dicks, it's the guard part she's upset about. Women come in all shapes and sizes, and not all of them are cis. Nicky celebrates this fact. She considers herself a lesbian, not a vagina-sexual.

Her thoughts drift back to the baggie in her pocket. Her veins ache, and her head is pounding. She just has to make it through count, and then she can go shoot up in peace. She stands outside her cube, heart pounding in anticipation of what's to come later that night.

Her eyes wander, agitatedly, before accidentally landing on the one person she was hoping they wouldn't. She feels Lorna's dark brown eyes on her face. She stares at the floor as the CO counts them all.

She quickly stuffs the baggie in her cheek once the CO is gone, and gets dressed for bed. She will wait 30 minutes, before asking to use the bathroom. It's a plan that always works, (un)fortunately. She tosses and turns, wondering what will happen next.


	4. Kissing Friends

**Author's Note:** Sorry for the late update! My little brother's sick, and I've been having to take care of him. Moy malen'kiy medved' means my little bear, moy malen'kiy medvezhonok means my little bear cub. I also just love the idea of Lorna being so tiny and yet really good at fighting. And I love high school boxer! Alex. Soundtrack: playlist?list=PLtJcZcvt9JqnqjE-CbPnUETegWxJYRxjO

 **WARNING** : Slight ableism (possibly?), a kiss without asking first, and mild violence.

* * *

Nicky's sitting outside, chatting with Piper when it happens. _It_ being a surprise punch in the face. By a tiny brunette.

Nicky jerks back from a combination of the surprising force behind the punch, and the shock of _Lorna fucking Morello_ sucker-punching her. Sure, she knows that Lorna can fight like a junkyard dog, but she never thought that _she'd_ be the one on the end of Lorna's fists. At least, not without a lot of lube. She hears Piper gasp. Nicky stares up at Lorna.

"The fuck, Morello?!" That's all she manages to get out before she's flipped onto her ass. She hears Piper say something about getting help. She groans in pain, and looks at Morello, begging with her eyes. _Don't hurt me again._

"What's going on here?!" Lorna quickly stands up straighter at the hard, Russian accent. Nicky is relieved.

"She started beating me up, Ma!"

"YOU RUINED MY MARRIAGE, YOU CUNT!"

Red grabs Lorna, in order to prevent her from attacking Nicky again. Nicky scrambles up, wincing. She touches her face, seeing blood upon pulling her hand away.

"Explain. Both of you. Now. Nicky goes first." Red silences Lorna's protest with a hand to her mouth, and a twist of her arm. "Go ahead."

Nicky nervously tells Lorna what happened at visitation last week. She sees Lorna's eyes widen and fill with tears. Nicky looks down at her shoes.

Red sighs. She removes her hand from Lorna's mouth. "Now you."

"YOU HAD NO RIGHT! I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU! SURE, I MANAGED TO CONVINCE HIM THAT YOU'RE JUST SOME CRAZY BITCH! AND IT FUCKING LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE! JUST STAY AWAY FROM ME, NICHOLS!" Lorna wrestles out of Red's grip, and storms off.

Nicky stares at her retreating form in shock. She only snaps out of her daze when she's enveloped in a hug. She lets out a sob, and clutches tighter.

"There, there, moy malen'kiy medved'. You'll survive. That's what we Reznikovs do. And you're one of us. Moy malen'kiy medvezhonok." Red rubs her back, and clutches her tight.

Later that night, Alex approaches Nicky's cube. She's wearing a sympathetic smile, and has a slight bulge in her pocket. "Hey. I, uh…I heard about what happened in the yard today. That was pretty wild, huh?"

"Not really. I mean, she can fight like a rabid wolverine. Teeth, claws, whatever. Y'know, she knows Jiu Jitsu? Yeah, you wouldn't expect it. But apparently, she had to tag along to her brother's classes when they were kids, and ended up joining herself." Nicky chuckles, easily, despite how awful she feels.

"That _is_ weird. I've got something for you."

"What, another helping of pussy?"

Alex laughs."You wish, Nichols." She reaches into her bulging pocket and pulls out two white rolls of fabric. She tosses them to Nicky, who catches them easily.

"The fuck is this?"

"Hand wraps. For fighting. I don't want your ex-girlfriend kicking your ass again. If she jumps you again, and you don't beat her back, I will. Now, let me show you how to wrap."

"Wrap before you tap." Nicky grins. Alex shoves her.

Alex takes the wrapping, and unrolls it. She wraps Nicky's left hand, carefully explaining each step. She hands her the other roll. "Now you try."

Nicky takes the white fabric, and unrolls it. She begins clumsily wrapping her left hand. It's far from perfect.

Alex smiles. "That's pretty good for your first try. Not everyone remembers all the steps at once."

Nicky smiles at her best friend. "How do you know how to do this?"

"I boxed in high school. I was pretty damn good, too." Alex playfully punches Nicky's shoulder.

Nicky stares up at Alex. She knows it's bad. She _really knows that it's really bad._ She surges forward and kisses Alex.


	5. Blind In One Eye

**Author's Note:** Sorry I haven't updated this story in a while. I was really sick, but I'm better now. I'm kind of iffy on this chapter, compared to the others. The story about the neighbors is a real fable, although the point can be interpreted as revenge and/or greed. Malen'kiy tigrenok is Russian for 'little cub', according to Google Translate. Soundtrack: playlist?list=PLtJcZcvt9JqnqjE-CbPnUETegWxJYRxjO

 **WARNING** : This chapter contains mentions of child abuse, mentions of rape and mutilation, and suicidal thoughts.

* * *

Alex jerks back. She stares at Nicky for a moment. She's trying to cover up her emotions, but Nicky can tell how she feels. Shocked, and pitying.

"Vause…I…I'm sorry…"

Alex shakes her head. "It's fine Nick. But, I should probably get going…Count and all…" Alex quickly walks out.

The blonde sighs and puts her face in her hands. She's fucked up yet another relationship. She's fucked up Marka, Red, Lorna, Alex, and countless others. It's all her fault.

She lets out a shaky laugh _. What's she even living for? If it weren't for her being such a pussy, she'd have ended it all already._

She quickly gets up. She needs to see Red before these thoughts take over. She hurries to her cube.

Red's reading a book about gardening. Nicky smiles a little. She's happy that her mother has found an enjoyable hobby.

"Hi Ma."

Red looks up. Her face softens, and she smiles. "Hello, my girl. What's on your mind?"

Nicky drums her fingers against her thigh, nervously. She knows she can tell Red anything. Red already knows all her secrets.

She thinks back to the night that she finally opened up about her traumatic past to Red. She told her about Marka and Paolo's abuse causing her to turn to drugs, and the drugs almost taking her life more than once. She opened up about things she'd never told anyone before. It felt good.

Back in the present, Nicky shrugs with a nervous smile. As much as she loves Red, it's still hard to believe that Red loves her. _She can thank Marka for that._

Red sighs, internally. Her daughter is like a pouty teenager. Determined to make you guess what's wrong, rather than telling you, out of embarrassment.

"Did somebody hurt you?"

"Nobody did anything that you didn't already know about." Nicky shifts from foot to foot. She's cold from the floor.

Red is, admittedly, relieved to hear that. She knows that half of the prisoners (and almost all of the guards) would mutilate or rape her daughter, if given the chance. They may have family and respect, but that doesn't guarantee complete safety.

Red may be the queen of the prisoners, but even she isn't all-powerful. She would lay down her life if it meant Nicky would have one less scar. But she knows that that isn't always an option.

"Is this about you telling Lorna's secrets?"

Nicky stares at the floor. She shuffles, pitifully. "Kinda."

Red sits back, and pats the end of the mattress. Nicky joins her, body language revealing obvious sadness. The poor girl needs guidance.

"Let me tell you a story that my mother told me. There were two neighbors, and they hated each other more than anything. And one day, God came down to the first neighbor. He said 'I will give you whatever you want in the world. But your neighbor will get double what you do.' And the man said 'Make me blind in one eye.' And God did."

Nicky's face is scrunched in confusion. Red chuckles. It _is_ an odd fable.

"What do you think the point of the story is, malen'kiy tigrenok?" Nicky thinks hard. She was never big on fables, even as a child. _Why not just say what the point is instead of bothering with stories?_

"Here, I'll tell you. The point is, revenge hurts you, not just the person you're seeking revenge against, even if that person deserves it. So be careful who you inflict pain on. For they could next inflict greater pain on you."


	6. Adhesive Strips and Oak Trees

**Author's Note:** I've always headcanoned that Nicky physically can't have children. Maybe it's me imposing my own life stuff onto her as a subconscious coping mechanism. I have no idea. But I did watch Antibirth the other day, which is ironic, since I've always headcanoned this about Nicky. Also, Anon, your requested story is coming, I promise. I'm taking requests now, people. So if you're interested, send me a message. But I'm done rambling now. Soundtrack: playlist?list=PLtJcZcvt9JqnqjE-CbPnUETegWxJYRxjO

 **WARNING:** This chapter contains mentions of abuse, mentions of infertility, blood, mentions of drug use, and self-harm.

* * *

Lorna paces outside the greenhouse. There's a part of her that wants revenge, so badly. She knows it's wrong.

Revenge only ever causes pain. Even if it creates momentary elation. Besides, getting revenge for revenge is even worse.

Yes, she now recognizes Nicky's gossip as both an act of revenge, and an attempt to make sure Vince is a good husband. That's what makes her feel even worse. The guilt.

She's done wrong. But there's still a part of her deep inside that aches for revenge. To tell Nicky's secrets. Gather the family at the greenhouse and shout them all.

She knows enough of them. She knows of Nicky's childhood abuse. That she can't have children, something that both saddens and relieves her. The fact that she has a shelter cat named Jasper, that her old nanny occasionally brings to visitation with her.

However, it wouldn't have the same affect. These people likely either don't care or know already. Besides, they aren't her romantic partners. That Lorna knows of, at least.

Another stab of fury at that thought. Lorna storms off to the other side of the yard. The yard is mostly empty. It's freezing outside. Lorna doesn't notice.

There's a large oak tree, tall and strong. Lorna approaches it, and begins driving her fists into the bark as hard as she can. She sees her hands growing swollen and bloody, but she doesn't stop.

She hears someone behind her clear their throat. She jumps, before slowly turning. If it's a guard, she'll get sent to psych.

It isn't a guard. It's Nicky. She looks pitying and nervous.

"Uh…Hey." She shuffles, obviously uncomfortable. "I got some adhesive strips and alcohol wipes. Let's go back inside and get you fixed up."

Lorna's brow furrows. _Why is Nicky suddenly being nice to her again?_ Numbly, she follows her inside.

She sits on Nicky's bunk, as the blonde rifles through her things. She lets out a noise of triumph, and holds up some medical supplies. Lorna can't help but find it ironic. _The junkie with no regard for her own life has the supplies and the kindness to take care of others._

 _But, maybe that's a part of it. She takes care of others, because she doesn't understand how to take care of herself._ Lorna feels her throat tighten. She knows that's the most likely scenario.

Nicky, though coarse and often unintentionally rude, is so kind. She loves with a passion Lorna wishes she has. Nicky cares so much about the important things.

She had always been the child bringing in strays, and sharing her food in school, and bandaging the other kids on the playground when they got hurt. _Like now,_ Lorna thinks with a small smile.

Nicky's love, of course, comes from pain. Growing up with an abusive mother and step-father caused her to be caring and sympathetic with children. Even as a child, herself. Nicky has never wanted to ever carry her own child; the idea terrifies her. But upon finding out that she physically cannot, she felt a mixture of intense relief and horrible pain. _The option would have been nice._

Lorna shakes the thoughts from her mind. Tearing up over her ex-girlfriend's past would be really awkward right now. She stares, dumbfounded as Nicky cleans her cuts with the antiseptic wipes, before proceeding to carefully place adhesive strips on them. They have little cats on them. _Of course, they have little cats on them._

Lorna giggles. Nicky looks into her eyes, before beginning to laugh as well. Neither of them really knows what they or the other are laughing at, but it doesn't matter right now. For this one moment, they are ok.


	7. Fido, Thumper, and the Hand That Feeds

**Author's Note:** Sorry for not updating in a while! Blame midterms. Anyway, I watched Fox and the Hound earlier today, so there are animal elements to this. I'm also thinking of starting an A/B/O OITNB AU fic. Would any of you be interested in that? Let me know! Soundtrack: playlist?list=PLtJcZcvt9JqnqjE-CbPnUETegWxJYRxjO

 **WARNING:** This chapter contains mentions of food, and references to sex, and mentions of drug addiction.

* * *

After the afternoon spent bandaging Lorna, things seem better. Far from normal, but more relaxed. Lorna's treading around her as though she's a frightened animal. In a sense, Nicky supposes, she is.

Nicky recognizes the patterns. Lorna will always come back from getting her own tray, with an extra piece of bread, or a yogurt cup, for Nicky. She will sit with her whenever they happen to be in the same room. _She's trying to regain my trust,_ Nicky realizes.

Nicky acts like a clever, little fox, always looking for her next meal, always looking for a way to turn things to be in her favor, and always ready to be tricky. However, Lorna had told her once that she's more like a stray dog. Nicky was at first insulted.

 _"_ _Are you saying that because of my hair, Morello?"_

 _"_ _Of course not! Well, maybe a little…"_

Lorna had then made a speech about how dog-like Nicky is. She's loyal, affectionate, protective, and caring. As long as she trusts you, that is. _That's the thing with stray dogs. Until you earn their trust, you're either seen as a meal, a threat, or just background. And how do you earn the trust of a stray? Bring it food the same time every day._

In Nicky's opinion, Lorna is like a little rabbit. Always eager to scamper off, always submissive and small, and always cute. Yet, she can fight like hell when she needs to. _And she's always running from the dog that's trying to consume her._

Still, Nicky accepts the affection gratefully. She half-jokingly imagines Lorna in a pair of rabbit ears (dark brown, to match her hair), and chuckles. Lorna shoots her a confused smile. Nicky shakes her head in response.

She's craving a hit, terribly. But if things are finally starting to look up again, she's sure as fuck going to try and keep them that way. Besides, she has her family to nurse her through detox, if needed.

The scruffy, stray mutt, and the house-pet rabbit, both daughters of the fierce mother bear. Nicky struggles to hide her shock, when she feels a soft hand grab hers, under the table. Lorna glances at her, and squeezes. Nicky grins.

The message is clear. _It's ok. I'm here._

Breakfast passes with the two of them connected by flesh. It's the best breakfast Nicky's had in a while. Even if Chapman and Vause are on the outs again, and are being petty, and Boo is being way too vulgar, way too early.

 _This feels almost too easy. I feel like this should be harder. But it isn't._ Nicky is confused. Mending relationships, even if they are different, is never easy.

After everything that has happened, Nicky had wondered if they would never even be friends. And yet, they're talking and laughing, and holding hands. Nicky looks up from her tray, and catches Red's eye, from across the room. Red smiles and winks, and Nicky blushes.

The look Red shoots her is clear. _I'm proud of you. I have a good feeling about this._

Nicky turns away, and looks back at Lorna, who's laughing at something Vause said. Nicky feels love swell up in her chest, at seeing Lorna smiling. _I really hope you're right, Ma._


	8. Folk Medicine

**Author's Note:** Sorry I haven't updated this or COTR in a while. I've been dealing with family related stuff. Hopefully, I'll be back on a regular-ish update schedule now. The withdrawal aspects may not be the most accurate. I've never used drugs recreationally, and most of my information on drug withdrawal comes from TV. Soundtrack: playlist?list=PLtJcZcvt9JqnqjE-CbPnUETegWxJYRxjO

 **WARNING:** This chapter contains sexual references, drug references, vomit, drug withdrawal, drug addiction, biphobia, and food.

* * *

Withdrawal comes fast and hard, unfortunately. Once things finally start calming down, Nicky's hit with the beginnings of it. She's determined not to give into her cravings, and so borrows Alex from Piper to help her out.

Alex is in charge of keeping her distracted, and making sure she doesn't die, or go looking for drugs. In exchange, she's getting a large sum of money in her commissary account. Red's busy with work, and keeping the COs off her back, and so can't care for her.

Nicky's currently curled up in her bunk, moaning quietly in pain. She's got a fever, and is shivering. Her clothes are soaked with sweat, and she has a small trashcan next to her bunk to puke into.

"Vause, do you think your girl would be pissed if you distracted me in more interesting ways than talking? Or, how about you just talk dirty? Would that work?"

Alex smiles sympathetically. Having been through withdrawal in the past, herself, she knows how painful it is. She also knows that Nicky's go-to distraction (other than getting high) is getting off.

"Sorry, Nick. I can't help you there. Feel free to jerk off all you want, but I'm not helping you."

Nicky groans, and shifts, bed creaking under her. She whines, finding the movement painful. "But why?"

She drags out the 'y', sounding like a little kid begging for a toy. Alex rolls her eyes. "Want me to go get Morello?"

Nicky scoffs. "Oh no. She's _married._ She made _vows_. She's a fucking filthy heterosexual, now."

* * *

As time slowly goes by, it gets worse. Nicky's crying by now, and shaking more violently. She's vomiting more, and her fever's higher. Alex is genuinely concerned.

"It's after work hours. I'll go get Red, ok? Be right back. Don't move."

 _Where the fuck would I go in this state, Vause?_ Nicky thinks. If her throat weren't so raw from stomach acid, she'd be griping at her friend. As is, she just bites on the edge of her blanket, and tries to take deep and even breaths.

As a particularly bad wave of pain wracks her body, she lets out a weak moan. She hears a quiet gasp, and opens her eyes. There, in the doorway, is the one person she was hoping w _ouldn't_ come looking for her during her withdrawal.

"Hi, Nichols." Lorna's voice is hesitant, and quiet. Nicky grumbles, and curls in on herself further, burrowing under her blanket.

"I brought you something."

Nicky responds with another grumble, but looks at Lorna. She's holding up a ginger root, and Nicky lets out a little amused huff leave her nose. She reaches out, shakily, and takes it.

She breaks off a small part of the root, from Red's garden no doubt, and shoves it into her mouth. She begins chewing hurriedly. The taste is intense, and it burns her mouth and throat, but it's soothing in an odd way.

Ginger is known for its healing abilities, most often used to soothe an upset stomach. Nicky definitely could use something for her stomach, right now. She hears Lorna chuckle at her munching on the root like it'll save her life. _Who the fuck knows, maybe it will._ Either way, she offers Lorna a small smile of thanks, around bulging cheeks.


	9. Sorry I Didn't Stay the Same

**Author's** **Note:** Here comes the angst! We're getting close to the end here, folks. Special thanks to my pal, AliceSloane13, for helping my with this chapter. I debated the title of this chapter for so long. In the end, i chose this. It's from Be Nice To Me by the Front Bottoms, which is a very fitting Nichorello song, imo. I hope you enjoy! Soundtrack: playlist?list=PLtJcZcvt9JqnqjE-CbPnUETegWxJYRxjO

 **WARNING:** This chapter contains self-hate, mentions of withdrawal and drug use, and some dubiously consensual kissing.

* * *

 _Things are finally starting to look up._ Nicky smiles as she works today. She's clean again, and out of withdrawal, finally. _Took fucking long enough._

Still, she has Lorna to deal with. _No. Not_ deal with. _That's too harsh._

* * *

At lunch that day, Lorna sits across from Nicky. Nicky smiles politely. Nowadays she's trying _really fucking hard_ not to give away her love with her eyes. _Easier said than done._

"How's it hangin', Morello?"

"Not bad, Nichols. And you?" Nicky admires the restraint in not correcting Nicky on her surname.

"Can't complain." _Can't complain. Can't complain that I'm a junkie prisoner fuck-up, in love with a married woman._

Lorna smiles at her. It's oddly comforting. _She can tell that I'm lying._

Nicky sighs, and looks at her tray, not raising her head again until she feels a hand on hers. She sees that Lorna's little hand is clasping her own, across the table. _Fuck man, does she have a fever? Her hands are too damn warm. That's not natural._ _Or maybe mine are just too cold. Cold hands, warm heart. Ha, not a chance here._

Nicky looks at Lorna's face. The tiny brunette is smiling shyly at her. Nicky's heart beats faster. _This is just a friendly thing. Totally platonic. Lorna's just a touchy-feely person. Don't read into this, looking for things that aren't there._

Nicky thinks about tugging her hand away. She thinks about leaving the cafeteria. She does neither of those things. Instead, she nervously smiles back at the woman across from her, and tries not to think at all.

* * *

Lorna drags her off, later that evening, a purposeful look on her face. Nicky's confused, but goes along with it. She feels anxiety building within her gut, but just keeps walking, numbly. _Something's going to happen. Because with her, it's inevitable._

Lorna leads her into the chapel, and kisses her hard. Nicky freezes up. She almost kisses back, almost loses what little control she has. Instead, she jerks back.

"What the fuck?" Nicky growls out.

Lorna looks afraid. Whether it's of Nicky's words, or her own wants, the blonde isn't sure. "I…I just thought…"

"Thought I'd be your fuckin' security blanket?! Lore, you're _married_ , as you keep reminding everyone! You treated me like a _stranger!_ And yeah, at first, I was ok with still messing around, but I've thought about it. I'm not gonna be the other man here! That's fucked up! I'm a _fucking person_ Lorna! I've got feelings too! You can't keep acting like you love me, and then fucking me over when it suits you! Pick him, if you want. I'll accept that." _I don't need your love._ "But if you really want me, if you _really_ are…" _In love with me. "_ Then fucking act like it."

Nicky's shaking with anger. Lorna's crying, but Nicky can't find it in herself to comfort her. _She doesn't deserve it right now. I thought we were making progress, but of course, it has to get fucked up again._ She wants, s _o badly,_ to just hold Lorna close, and tell her how much she loves her. _But I can't._

"You're not the person I remember." Lorna's voice is quiet and watery.

Nicky takes a step back. She swallows hard. "You're right. I'm not."

 _The person you remember would let herself be manipulated for any little scrap of human connection. The person you remember was in love with you. Maybe, I_ am _the person you remember, Lore. You just can't see it._

Lorna's crying harder. Nicky looks at her red face, and Lorna's big wet eyes bore into her own. The blonde practically runs out, blinking back her own tears.


	10. I'll Tell Everyone You Were A Good Wife

**Author's Note:** Second to last chapter, everybody! I was planning on publishing this later, but I couldn't wait any longer. This chapter is very fluffy compared to the others. The title comes from the song No Children by the Mountain Goats. I hope you enjoy it! Soundtrack: playlist?list=PLtJcZcvt9JqnqjE-CbPnUETegWxJYRxjO

 **WARNING:** This chapter contains anxiety disorders and their symptoms, talk of anxiety attacks, kissing, implied biphobia, references to sex, and kissing.

* * *

As Lorna trudges into the visitation room, she's on the verge of an anxiety attack. She's debating leaving, and hiding under her bunk for the next week. Still, she sits at a table, and waits for her husband.

When he comes in, she offers a pained smile. He sits across from her, brows furrowed. Lorna's heart races.

"What's up, Babe?"

"Vinnie…I don't think this relationship was a good idea."

His eyes widen at first, before closing. He sighs. Lorna feels terrible.

"Is this…Because of that woman who talked to me about you?"

"Yeah…Vinnie, everything she said was true. I just…I lied, because I was afraid."

Lorna's trying so hard to gauge how her husband will react to all of her statements. Now, his face is in his hands. The inmate wonders if he's crying.

"Are you in love with her?"

Lorna's taken aback by his straightforward approach. _No. Maybe. Yes._

"I don't think I know what love is. But she means more to me than anyone ever has before. And she's in so much pain. I've hurt her so badly, Vince. I'm trying so hard to fix it. I'm sorry. I…I thought I loved you…Maybe I did…Who knows? I never wanted to hurt anybody."

Lorna's crying by now. She looks up, vision blurry with tears. Vince reaches a hand toward her. She accepts it.

"Lore…Do what makes you happy. It probably wasn't a good idea to get married to a woman I'd only known for two months anyway." He cracks a sad smile. "I care about you, either way. And I'm not gonna be the asshole who keeps you unhappy. Just…Promise me you weren't thinking about her when I was fucking you?"

Despite her tears, Lorna laughs. Vince laughs too. _He really is a good guy. Maybe we can be friends someday._

* * *

Later that day, Lorna knocks shyly on Nicky's cube. The blonde glances up, and sighs. Still, she motions Lorna in.

"Hey Nichols."

Nicky grunts in response. Lorna's nervous again. She takes a deep breath to calm herself as best she can, given the circumstances.

"Remember what you said about…About me having to choose who I want? And that you can't deal with me fucking you over all the time?"

Nicky raises an eyebrow. "I think I recall that discussion."

"Well...I, uh…Vince and I are getting a divorce."

That catches the older inmate's attention, and her doe eyes get even bigger. She quickly regains her self-control, however, and shrugs. She runs a hand through her mane however, a sure sign of her nervousness.

"Yeah, so?"

"So… I did it for you. If you'll still have me."

Nicky stares at her. _Really_ stares at her. Two pairs of brown eyes, absolutely boring into each other. Nicky smiles a little. Lorna smiles back.

"What about your family?"

"I'll still have Franny, even if the rest of them don't like me swinging both ways."

"And what about your constant need to fuck me over?"

Lorna cringes. She knows that Nicky has a point, though. Nicky keeps staring, waiting for her to answer.

"I'm gonna try really hard not to do that this time. I'm not saying that everything is gonna be perfect. I'm not saying that…That this is gonna be forever, as of right now, at least. But…I'm really gonna try, and hope that that's good enough."

"And do you love me?"

Nicky's smiling now. Almost grinning. Lorna's never seen her look so happy.

"Yeah. I think I kinda do."

"Good. 'Cause I think I kinda love you too."

Lorna grins, and Nicky kisses her. Their teeth clack together, and they're both crying by now, but it's still the best kiss that Lorna's ever had. Maybe that's even _why_ it is.


	11. Start Another Story

**Author's Note:** Here it is, y'all. The last chapter. This is the ending. Some of the dialogue here is taken from The Beer by Kimya Dawson. Pretend I Didn't Tear Your World Apart is officially over. I know some of you are probably disappointed that it's over, but keep an eye out for more multi-chapter OITNB fics coming from me soon. Thank you all so mch for your support while writing this! It really means a lot to me, since this is my first multi-chapter fic. I really was trying to wait to publish this, but I just can't. I'm not gonna make y'all squirm. I'm not that mean. I hope you enjoy! Soundtrack: playlist?list=PLtJcZcvt9JqnqjE-CbPnUETegWxJYRxjO

 **WARNING:** This chapter contains references to sex, and kissing

* * *

 ** _A few years later…_**

Nicky drives up to Litchfield for what is, hopefully, the last time. By this time, nearly all her loved ones are out of prison. _All except one…_

Red, and most of the family had gotten out a while ago. They've all managed to keep contact with each other. Red and Nicky live only about 10 minutes away from each other, and visit regularly.

Nicky parks her car, mentally thanking Red for convincing her to get her license. She slowly walks into the prison, palms sweating. She sees CO Wanda Bell and grins.

"How's it hangin'?"

"Same old. You here for Morello?"

"You know it."

Nicky waits as Bell gets Lorna, who is dressed in civilian clothes for the first time in five years. She looks so damn tiny. More so than usual. Still, she's beautiful, and Nicky grins.

Lorna lights up when she sees Nicky. She runs toward her, crashing against her in a too-tight hug. Nicky gasps.

"Kid, c'mon, I got a bad heart! Not so hard!" Nicky manages to get out.

"Sorry!" Lorna lets go, but she's got the biggest smile that the blonde has ever seen.

Nicky can't bring herself to tease the brunette, and instead offers her hand. Lorna has a small bag containing her possessions, but takes the older woman's hand with her free one. Nicky gives a faint wave to CO Bell, as they walk out the door.

As soon as they're outside, Lorna starts crying. Nicky pulls her closer, and kisses her head. Lorna laughs through her tears.

"It's so fucking good to be out of there!"

"Believe me, Kid, I know."

Nicky smiles comfortingly at the younger woman. She really does know. _Leaving prison is a fucking emotional experience! Anyone who's served time will tell you that._

Lorna smiles back, and stands on her tip-toes to press a kiss to Nicky's chapped lips. It's only been a week and a half since their last kiss, but that's _way too fucking long_ for either of them. The blonde eagerly kisses back, smiling into it.

Nicky leads Lorna back to her car, and they climb in. Lorna's smiling wide, and still has tears running down her face. Nicky feels like crying herself, she's so damn happy.

Her eyes begin to water, and she wipes them, before beginning the drive home. _Holy shit,_ home. _Our home._

"So, I'm guessing that you're gonna be bunking with me for a bit?" Nicky's got a little smirk.

"I guess so. I mean, it's better than prison, after all." Lorna's smirking back, and Nicky grins.

"Aw, c'mon! We can finally fuck without worrying about getting caught! In fact, I propose that we do that as soon as we get home."

"A proposal already, Nichols?"

"Just making up for lost time, you might say, Morello, my dear."

The road ahead of them is clear of any other cars. The long winding street is flanked with tall green trees. The sky is clear blue, and for once, Nicky is able to appreciate the surroundings.

The smile on the blonde's face dials back a bit. Lorna looks at her in concern. "What's wrong?"

"I just…I was worried we'd never get here, y'know? I was scared that we'd just…y'know, keep fucking each other over forever. I was just really scared. And I'm so fucking happy. I don't think I've ever been this happy before. I love you, so much." She's crying now, thinking of everything they had been through, in order to get here.

Lorna reaches over and takes her hand. "It's ok. We're here now. I love you, Nicky. Just you, and nobody else. You've come a long, long way. We both have. And you deserve to be really happy."

Nicky shoots Lorna a quick glance. The smaller woman is being as genuine as possible. Nicky smiles just a little. _Yeah. Maybe I do._


End file.
